North Star listening to Tingting's laughter

     Here, I just want to speak clumsily, to express some silly admiration and longing.

    Since when did I begin to get used to being alone, lonely, and lost, and also used to smiling warmly at these times, laughing out loud? Since when did I begin to get used to wearing tattered clothes, not caring if I didn't attract the girl I liked, and getting used to others ordering my favorite taro milk tea at the bubble tea shop where I work part-time, holding the girl I like, sharing a sip, saying what I want to say, singing my favorite songs, and smiling gently at these times, offering blessings?

    My admiration is too distant. Perhaps in this life, I will always just be a shadow of the world. Quietly watching, quietly walking away. A faint sadness, a gentle smile. If longing had a color, then my longing would be a deep blue, permeating the clear sky with a bittersweet taste that penetrates the heart.

    A friend once said that maybe one day she'd realize you were the best thing in her life, and perhaps she'd even wonder why they hadn't been together. Maybe you'd say, "Why were you in such a hurry to find someone?" She'd regretfully reply, "Why didn't you pursue me when I was at such a good age?" We'd click our tongues, sigh a lot, and even impulsively say, "Let's be together now!" Then, remembering her boyfriend wasn't dead, it all turned into a laugh. She didn't know that night, I went to her house with a knife, to weave a beautiful dream. But in some corner, she was wearing her boyfriend's thick coat, and in that windy season, I saw a boy smiling foolishly. I was in some corner, holding a Coke, listening to the wind until dawn.

    My confidence came too late. If regret had a color, then my regret was clear, the orange of love weighed down by the white of ordinariness, clear to the point of being colorless.

    People say that all excellent boys feel a little inferior in front of the girl they like, which is why the best girls in the world often encounter scumbags first. Because good boys always think about forever earlier, and also about the impermanence of forever. I didn't realize my own excellence, but I did realize the sadness. So in my world, whenever I meet a good girl, I watch from afar, afraid that I might accidentally fall in love, and then be sad, regretful, and fall into the abyss of eternal heartache again.

    We are all ordinary. At this young age, I thought that making more money would make me extraordinary, being smart would make me extraordinary, being smarter than others would make me extraordinary. I heard a saying: 'I finally succeeded, I earned enough money for you to spend, you are happiest now, or when do you think you are happiest?' 'When you had nothing, only me. You would be with me every day, asking me, baby, what do you want to eat today, and then clumsily, I almost starved to death, to make it.' It turns out that ordinariness is planted in our hearts, and we choose to conquer the world to prove ourselves because we lack the courage, but if we cannot be at peace in ordinariness, we will never be happy.

    Then we walk to the next intersection, to someone's side. Foolish, clumsy, she was too, and so was I. Speaking the simplest words, doing the simplest things. Thinking it's so good. Then we were assigned to the same work group. I felt I'd finally met the fool I'd been waiting for, and planned to use all the memories I'd collected over the years to be by this person's side like a father, a child, a lover. I remember her happily biting into an ear of corn, then laughing and saying, "I thought you went to buy corn too!" I'd be helpless, saying I wasn't familiar with this place, I looked but couldn't find it, and she'd feel proud, as if she'd defeated me. She'd say that a fool like me was rare here, and the younger girls would definitely like me. She'd say, "Let me stay by your side, I'm too stupid, I'm afraid I'll get teased by bad girls if I go out." True, but I already had a senior.

    My appearance came too late. Or perhaps not too late, just just missed her when she was lonely. I think, let all the regrets come. If I could, I wish I could exchange my regrets for this encounter in this life. Meeting when I was lonely, and someone else was also lonely, seeing each other's loneliness at the same time. Perhaps before this, there would have been even more regrets. In

    the blink of an eye, time has passed. I told her I was smart, and she said she was incredibly stupid and knew nothing. I told her I'd been sold by human traffickers when I was very young, gotten lost in the mountains during elementary school, broke my arm, climbed a cliff for a day and a night to pick wild fruit, and nearly died from a serious illness in middle school. She said, "Don't say 'die, die,' it's bad luck." People say the girl you talk to about your hometown and childhood will become your best friend; add her sweet voice and silly smile, and once you fall in love, there's no turning back. Legend has it that the person she likes is named something else. Uh, I'm too late again. I know there will be many regrets; haven't the previous experiences been enough? So I spent two years silently, far away from her. Then one day, when we met and talked about our first meeting, mentioning how our old friends had changed, she suddenly said, "Let's take a walk," and told me about the changes in her family over the past two years. Suddenly, tears welled up in her eyes, and she said, "I'm sorry, in front of you..." I said, "As long as it's you, I can do anything with you." She said, "Sit down, do you know how to tell jokes?" "No," she said, "but I can." People say that when a girl talks about her family, it means she already considers you family. If you confess your feelings to her, you'll become lovers.

    I know her love has matured. It's not about liking a specific person, but about liking the person who gives her the most warmth, affection, and security. But at that time, the most common topic was which university to get into, so everything ended abruptly, unspoken. Or perhaps my pride was too excessive; I thought that even if I could have that kind of compromised relationship, I wouldn't need it. Even though for a long time afterward, I regretted it time and time again.

    Maybe we think of love too purely, so purely that we can't accept even the slightest bit of ordinariness. So I decided, damn it, so what if I'm alone for life? So I decided to never stir up this dust again in this life.

    People say that even the most ordinary person, even if you're silent, might be seen as having deep affection for you. A girl might ask you, "Would you be willing to do anything for someone?" You'd say yes. Then you'd remain silent. If she doesn't ask, you'd never say a word. Until one day, someone said she sang really well, and then she sang one song after another, tears flowing as continuously as her voice. She'd say you were really nice, and you'd say you heard from her roommates that she never made her bed, her sheets were messier than a boy's; go to hell. One day she'd say she wanted some snacks, and you'd casually bring her a bag. She'd say she was so touched, what should you do? You'd say, what should I do? Want to kiss me a few more times? Silence. You knew you were too similar, so you didn't fall in love with her, even though many boys said she was pretty, even though she told you who her previous crush was, but you hadn't won her over. You'd also shown her the love letter you'd never sent to that girl you talked about your hometown with. She helped you research her route to school, helped you plan her birthday, New Year's, and Christmas gifts. The things you talked about made you feel heavy, so you left, and you became close friends.

    Another person came to your side, saying she wanted to sit with you and study. You didn't care, you let her. She asked why you weren't with the previous girl, and you said you weren't happy. She said she thought you were having a great time, laughing and talking more than before. She said she turned down a handsome guy's invitation so she could sit next to you while studying, and you just said "uh." Another day she said she dumped her boyfriend. You kept comforting her, but she cried even harder, and you were confused. Two days later, she kept putting her water cup on your homework, and you didn't get angry. You took it back and told her to hurry up and do her homework, but she put it back again. This happened many times, and you couldn't be a gentleman anymore. You asked what she was doing, and she just spilled some water on your homework. You poured the water out, turned around to scold her, but before you could say anything, you saw her smiling triumphantly, her long hair and sweet smile seemingly glowing. Suddenly, you only wanted to kiss her, or keep kissing her. After that, whenever you heard people on the street talking about how her breasts were bigger than others' and how she liked to hang out with groups of boys, you had a strange feeling. One day she suggested going out to eat and then going to the supermarket. She would stop in the supermarket lobby and gently kick you. You would do the same. She would kick you again, and you, not understanding what it meant, would stand there confused. She would kick you harder and walk on, and you would follow, wondering why the whole way. At school, she would suddenly say something, something about a date. Not knowing what to do, you would ask what she said. She would say she didn't hear you, and you would say "uh." Then she would take a whole cup of boiling water and splash it all over your desk and clothes, and then leave—and really leave. The next day, you would suddenly remember that she had said, "Let's go on a date today." When you came to your senses, a boy was constantly hanging around her, and they got together.

    Perhaps at some point, you heard her words, but you felt her social circle was too complicated, hesitating whether to be with her. Only when you finally made up your mind... She's actually very nice, beautiful, a little silly, and a little clumsy. You realize that during her time in your world, you've borrowed too much happiness in advance, to the point that you don't know how to repay it. In the time that followed, all you remembered was that glass of water—you deserved it.

    You realize that in the face of this dust, you're just a child on the beach. It's so complicated that you dare not touch it, yet you can't extricate yourself. When you decide to be alone, there will always be a wonderful girl who suddenly appears, giving you eternal regret before quietly leaving, leaving you alone to deeply miss her in the days to come, unable to meet her again. So you decide, wherever it takes you, that's where you'll stay.

    I started becoming increasingly ruthless, so ruthless that when I met someone, got to know her, and wanted to date her, I would directly ask, "Will you be with me?" The normal reaction of a typical girl, if she's sincere, would be to say something like, "Let me think about it." Most boys like shy girls; if they're not shy, they're afraid boys won't cherish them. I was so ruthless that I left like that. Perhaps I was too fragile, trying to protect myself in this way, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't protect myself. My brutality even killed many gentle and friendly people, leaving me at a loss again.

    I started heading towards places in this world with more happiness, trying to be cheerful and bright every day; until one day, my sunshine and light made me so warm I fell asleep. I got used to the noise and bustle. But then, suddenly, loneliness set in. I would walk to the darkest corner of this world, carrying a deep longing, slowly moving forward in the absence of light. Alone, silent, and lost; wearing my tattered clothes, ignoring everyone. Forgetting all the joy and sorrow, a faint remembrance, a gentle smile.

    Hey! Don't have too many regrets at this age.

    I will never let time slip away in longing.