Goodnight, world.

     I used to think that only the lights of countless homes could bring warmth. But now, wandering the streets alone, I realize that true loneliness comes from having countless lights but not a single one for yourself. This

    is the first time I've stayed in a hotel alone in a completely unfamiliar city. Outside the window, cars come and go, the curtains are drawn tightly, yet the noise is still so palpable. I've never felt so helpless, so lonely.

    I always thought of myself as a brave girl, but today, after experiencing just this little thing, I feel like I couldn't possibly handle it alone. My first time taking a high-speed train, and I almost couldn't get my ticket. I got ripped off by a taxi driver. The hotel I found was ridiculously expensive, and I was almost exhausted. But thankfully, a kind auntie gave me a ride. At least I found a place to stay for the night. So tired, so very tired, but I don't want to sleep at all.

    I still prefer living in a slower-paced city; this rushed life is completely foreign to me. Seeing so many familiar bus routes, but none of them being the ones in my city, makes me feel so helpless. I used to go three months without taking a taxi, but today I took three, and I'm still dizzy. I still don't understand why I'm even here. This

    unfamiliar city, is it my home? I'm just a passerby, a stranger. It's been a long time since I wrote about my life. I don't know if my choices were right or wrong. My life is so rushed, I'm rushing towards a direction, but I can't see what's ahead. The programs on Dragon TV are funny, and I usually enjoy watching them, but today I'm not in the mood.

    Suddenly I feel like a complete failure, for a moment it felt like I was the only person left in my world. I don't understand why I'm so resolute about everything, why I have to draw such a clear line between right and wrong, why I'm so cowardly. Sometimes I hate myself. Yes, I've destroyed the happiness and joy I should have had. Although I know it's unfair to do this, I always feel like I can't keep going if I don't. I can't trust myself, and I don't dare to trust others. So I've missed out again and again. Is it my fault?

    I have to come to Jinan twice more. This is really enough. I'm so tired, so exhausted. I guess even my part-time job will be ruined when I get back. I'm not used to that lazy lifestyle; it feels like I'm completely useless. These past few weeks since the start of the semester have been pretty good. Although I don't have many classes, I always have something to do. I do part-time jobs, then go to the study room to study, and I can even read a little more in my dorm at night. It feels really good. But, sigh, I've already considered this part-time job a part of myself, and if I really quit, I'll be a little disappointed. I don't know what I should do next, and I guess

    I'll have to go back to work. I still don't want to sleep. I'm finally experiencing what it feels like to be a stranger in a strange land. I didn't even tell my family about coming to Jinan today. Experiencing so much for the first time is really overwhelming; I really need some time to calm down. Suddenly, I heard a line on TV: "You're a thief too, because you stole my heart." For the first time, I felt like I needed someone to protect me, and I'm really scared. I don't want to carry this alone anymore. The helplessness of not being able to find a hotel tonight, the fear of arriving at the station just ten minutes before my train—I've never felt this before. Maybe my life has been too mundane before! I really had the urge to stand in the street and cry then, but I don't know when it started, I stopped crying. Instead, I just silently or wildly laugh like an idiot. Even if I'm heartbroken, insecure, or lost, I'll still widen my eyes and laugh like a fool. I don't know if I've become foolish or optimistic. If I could, I really want to just sit here all night and wait until dawn. Then I could see my thesis advisor. I still feel a bit groggy.

    The road ahead is so long, so I need to work harder and walk it well now. It's the rough and uneven path that gives me the motivation to strive. For a better future. Goodnight. Goodnight, Jinan. Goodnight, world.

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